Top Ten Reasons I Hate Other Cyclists

9:32a.m., Mon 12 Jul 2010

It's been said that, when you're a pedestrian, drivers are inconsiderate, arrogant and bad-tempered. But when you become a driver, pedestrians suddenly become stupid, ignorant lumps of flesh. I can kind of see the kernel of truth in there. Pedestrians hate motorists, motorists hate pedestrians.

I've been cycling to and from work for a couple of years on and off. If you're wondering who cyclists hate... it's other cyclists. Pedestrians are easy to see, slow-moving and easy to avoid. Motor vehicles, yes, they're life threatening, but somehow, when you’re on a bike, they become abstract metal boxes. Other cyclists have real human faces, they're often REALLY close and often just as inconsiderate as other road users. Plus, they’re giving me, as a cyclist, a bad name.

So this list is basically a bad tempered rant about other cyclists. Bear with me while I get it off my chest.

Top 10 reasons I hate you, the other cyclist

1) You're riding through a red light

Good luck with that. I'll be truly horrified to see you die, but struggle to offer you any sympathy.

2) You're tootling past other, queued, cyclists at a traffic light

This is allowed, as long as, when the light turns to green, you set off faster than the cyclists you just pootled past. However, the streamers from your handlebars, the flip-flops, the rust on your bike and lack of tread on your tyres suggest this might not be the case.

3) You're berating drivers

I understand that the van is encroaching into the cycle box at the junction. But don't shout at white van men, it only makes them angry (and they're probably already angry to some degree; about immigrants, footballer's salaries or the price of petrol or something). Also, don't berate a driver that nearly hit you when you were shooting a red light - that's *really* stupid.

4) You're riding on the pavement

And not only that, you're ringing your bell at pedestrians to get out of the way, like you have more right to be there than them. I have a proposal for a new law. Pedestrians can shove a stick through the spokes of a bicycle that's being ridden on a pavement. It must be a stick that is being carried for that express purpose, not a hastily found stick. If the cyclist is rinding without holding the handlebars the stick may be held between two pedestrians at neck height, thus clothes-lining the cyclist from his perch. This is the law. It's only fair.

5) You're not wearing a helmet

This is especially annoying if you're wearing cycle clips (and thus care more about your trousers than your life) and riding through red lights, berating motorists as you do so.

6) You're berating other cyclists

Berating them for minor offences like undertaking when there's minimal risk involved or not having a rear mudguard. A similar offence involves having a *REALLY* expensive bike, wearing proper cycling apparel and tutting at all other cyclists just because they’re not as professional and/or as rich as you.

7) You don't have any brakes

Dragging your trainers along the tarmac is not a brake. Also, deciding that, since you don't have any brakes, you'd be safer on the pavement than the street is not a solution to this problem.

8) You're wearing flips-flops

I understand it's hot in a country where it's not often this pleasingly hot. And I understand and that having a breeze between your toes is a pleasing sensation, but the risk of scraping the soles off your feet on hot tarmac is just too great, isn’t it?

9) You're using your mobile phone

Drivers using mobiles is bad. But they have privacy, plus they retain more control over their vehicle with the temporary loss of a limb, than you can over a bicycle.

10) You're smoking

I see this more than you'd expect. I'm fine with people smoking. It's a fine past-time for people who aren't scared of cancer and don't care about their general health. And I know it's addictive. But, really? The urge to smoke out-weights the practical difficulties of doing so on a bike?

So there we have it. That's why I hate you. Overall, I hate you because you're either giving cyclists a bad name, endangering other people or just making other people's lives that little bit less fun. Except for the smoking one - that's just me being incredulous - can you forgive me that one moment of angry old man crochetiness?